Anxiety and more so, depression, renders one selfish. This much is true. So both the realisation of that and the weighty notion of continuing to belittle everyone and everything around me indefinitely was, is and may be in times to come, my predominant cure for the great inexplicable. The big A and D. Those demons uncalled for, holding my mind hostage. I cannot do this to my loved ones and shun my oblivion whilst doing it. Inflicting pain and incurring the same. The paradox of course: how can one establish their selfishness until they are finally, selflessly out of their mind?
We longed to sell ourselves short
Flung our good grace down the well
Seldom claimed our daily bread.
Came through like a bat out of hell
To deify you sons of bitches
Satiate your every whim boys.
We’re God’s little odd jobs, never mind
All I have gathered in this life
Is how not to be.
One day I’d like to meet myself
Let her knows whose boss
I’m sure I would not even shake her hand.
Fear is crippling
This isn’t living
Do a kindness
Or choose death
Don’t be a walking corpse amongst the living
Go with grace, own your demise
And you won’t be a tortured soul amongst the dead
Stuck in purgatory
Bouncing off the same four walls that shut you out of the universe
Restive for all eternity.
The one half,
born to forgive and forget afore the dagger point even grazed our feeble hearts, our half-baked haste.
The other half of us to live and die by dogged decree, serving the final course of our repast, cold riposte at every turn.
But jury purer, justice pending. By my word, what became of integrity delivered by the scales.
This day we heed the colourful, the contemplative.
Hollow criminal. Hello shotgun conscience.
Pause it on the black and white, and cue the grey to wash the crimson bright.
Let love linger, let faith gape, met with sickly sweet humane abundance, bathing in the dusty light.
Overkill in the first degree.
Pleading with the hellbound, the soon to be departed.
But what of the judge-penitent, whose just heart serves us well. Like hell it does.
By my soul, crux of my being, we cannot abide by this dearth of morality. This stately sodomy.
I am not here
So I can never leave
Nor can I just remain
What I once breathed lies moribund
Where I once flourished stands a ghost town
When I smiled it was once true
And you, you always knew
Coloured me happy, taught me pride
For you are it, and it is you
Don’t you value my fight
About as harsh as I value my being
Where is my faith
Where is my agency
Where is my grace
Where is my spine
Now where is the crack
What’s up with this face
What is this fucking awful place.
It’s a gutwrench, behold
When another tears open the hole in your side
Releases the you that you wanted to hide
Sluices out slowly, slimy battered innards
Thing of pitiful mirthlessness
Why won’t you set it free, let it leave
But no, you stuff this back into you
And wait for the next lovely person
To tell you about yourself
Knot your sides back up, tight
You’ll start to carry your despair
Flaunt it even
Like a hideous necklace
Do you think it’s an heirloom?
You consider your forbears
And swallow the tears
Because hope is now a distant memory
And your mind is perforated by the little guys
Who live there to bombard you
With all that is untrue
But they don’t let a thing escape
So have fun head case
With arms open wide
And mouth shut tight
Embracing the the deprecatory self
Igniting my loins for a tepid fuck all
Boil my blood and grind my teeth
For war after war leading to defeat
And no one to cleanse the red carnage and blue bodies
In my battlefield brain.
For I am selfish in the wrong way
Not gracefully so, you understand,
Not for me and mine
This is the truth every other truth detests
And I don’t know many truths
But that I prey on you so on me they prey.
And of all the bullshit, the exhausted, the trying
Discerning adages and exquisite quotes
Wordly notions and ornates theories
You will do well, you will be set
Just to simply bear in mind
That everyone is different
Everyone is worthy
I used to wish we could trade places
But for all that flows between us
For its oceans of grief
I’m not strong enough to do you
And you’re not strong enough to do me
If we began to swim to one another
A trillion lifetimes would not have us reunite
I’ll drown the both of us just trying
Still I was thinking it’s worth dying
Don’t baby me
Ask me why I don’t have a fresh uptake on life?
This, my retort, is yours expressly:
It’s fresh as the rot my future world festers in
Born of your unyielding sin
Quit the play
Your meagre games of late
Deem yourself a seer
Cannot see past the end of your nose
Then you sever it, don’t spite your face.
When I have at thee
In part, I have at me.